Current mood:

thoughtful

Wife Swap
Last night at the gym, while logging some time on my favorite treadmill, I watched the television in front of me which happened to be on the show "Wife Swap." I don't know who thought up this concept, but I must admit that it has its benefits.

On this particular show, it happened to be one family from Maryland, I believe, and one from Mississippi.

The family from Maryland was an overweight couple and three hyperactive, out of control and overweight boys. They set no rules for their children, ate dinner on TV trays every night, and used the diningroom table as a laundry basket. The children were rude and disrespectful at home with their parents and while in public, burping loudly at any given opportunity, and singing songs such as "You kiss my big fat butt right now."

The family from Mississippi were fit and formal. They dressed up for dinner (on the fine china) every night, as in suits, ties, and dresses. The mom held an etiquette class for pre-adolescent girls. The children worked right alongside the parents, doing chores such as washing dishes, cleaning their bedrooms, and folding their own laundry. The teenage son had a ground-floor bedroom with a door to the outside, which was padlocked so that he could not sneak out at night. The oldest daughter cleaned the children's bathroom. These children were extremely well-behaved, if a little repressed.

Now, each mother moved into the other's house, and by the end of the first week, or the "live by the house rules" portion, each had nearly gone out of her mind at the culture shock. Maryland Mom was blown away by dressing up for dinner, using the fine china, and having to wash up immediately after eating. Mississippi Mom was shocked by the out-of-control kids who, when she took them to the grocery store, actually got yelled at by the store manager for poking holes in the meat wrappers, tearing up cereal boxes, and running amok through the store.

The second portion, "live by the Mom's rules" didn't go very well for the Maryland Mom. She took the kids shopping and let them pick their own clothes, letting the 11-year-old girl buy a shirt that showed off about four inches of her midriff, which got dad all riled up. He actually put his foot down on that rule, saying that he did not think it was at all appropriate for a child to be dressing like that, to which MD Mom said "But it's sexy!" and he replied, "Exactly."

That night, she said "No more formal dinners!", smashed a piece of their china, and took them to a fast food restaurant. She insisted they eat with their hands, and, when they still did not seem to be lightening up, took the ketchup bottle and squirted ketchup on every single one of them. This, naturally, did not sit well with any of them, especially dad. She later felt guilty for doing it, and apologized. She also had the oldest son cut the lock off his door, and encouraged him to sneak out.

The second part went a lot better for the Mississippi Mom. She literally had the children flush the "kiss my butt" song down the toilet (all the while, dad is saying "They're boys! This is who they are, and if they want to sing nasty songs, I'm going to let them.") She then cleaned the house from top to bottom, had them dress up for dinner as a family around the table, taught them to keep their elbows off the table and how to "burp inside themselves."

She made the children write letters of apology to everyone they were rude to during the week, then took them to the grocery store and had them read it outloud to the manager, who was amazed and thanked them for apologizing. The youngest boy, around 6 years old, I'd guess, told the camera that he was glad she made them apologize, that he felt better because it was "the right thing to do." The last night of the swap, the Maryland family told the Mississippi Mom that they were really going to miss her. Even Dad said that the children were behaving so well, there had been a lot less fighting amongst them while she was in charge. He said that he and his wife had always wanted their children to behave like that, but never knew how to get it out of them.

I didn't see the last few minutes of the show, where the parents meet and discuss everything that happened and their suggestions to one another about how to better their household, because I got a shin splint and had to leave, but I can imagine how it went.

I think it's amazing, these two opposite ends of the spectrum. On one side, we have this family in Maryland who is spinning around out of control. The mom cries when she says that she grew up in a household where there were always a lot of harsh rules, which created a lot of tension and deprived her of a happy childhood. She says that she always told herself that when she had children, she would let them do whatever they wanted to do as long as they were happy. She wants her children to be good, but she can't bring herself to discipline them in any way or give them any responsibility. In effect, she has chosen the exact opposite approach to child rearing than her parents chose. Unfortunately, it has not worked out so well.

On the other end, you have an extremely strict household, where the children do not put a toe out of line, and are extremely (perhaps too much so) well-behaved because they have never been given any other option. The parents do not trust them to make the right decisions, so they are never given the opportunity to *make* the right decision. There is the saying that with great power comes great responsibility, which is true, but in this case, one has great responsibility without the least bit of power. If the son's door is padlocked, how will the parents ever know if they can trust him to abide by the rules and stay home after curfew?

There must be a happy medium here. No, you don't want your children to run wild and terrorize everyone in their path, but you also don't want to keep them quite literally locked up and strip away that oh-so-delicate spirit. Children need boundaries, but not bars. They need discipline, but not fear. They need responsibility that is age-appropriate. A five-year-old is old enough to straighten up their own room. A 10-year-old is old enough to help with the dishes after a meal. A 15-year old is old enough to clean their own bathroom. They need to learn that not everything is going to be handed to them, done for them all their lives, and the more responsibility they have, they ought to have more freedom.

I think this is a common mistake, where parents get so used to doing everything for their children that they forget to prepare them for life outside the nest. If you teach them how to behave and how to look after themselves, one day, I promise, their spouses will thank you.

Children need to learn gradually how to be a grown-up, but that doesn't mean that they need to be miniature-sized versions of one.